Dear friends and loved ones,

Almost two weeks have passed since my last letter. Many have responded positively to my open account of this experience of total exhaustion and powerlessness, and how difficult that was for me. Thank you for that! It is important for me not to hide the fact that there are also – and I have to say this about the past days and especially nights – always quite difficult hours.

Towards the end of the 3rd cycle, some side effects became noticeable, especially the storage of water due to the high cortisone intake. But what bothered me much more was increased back pain again, especially at night. If I then had to get up and could hardly walk upright without supporting myself somewhere, and I couldn’t really sit or lie down, then it does wear you down quite a bit, and all kind of thoughts come, including not so good ones. Yes, I had to practice myself what I thought about with you before. „Basically, no one suspects how you’re really doing; you’re alone with your pain. Why does that have to come back now, too?“ It’s just that the pain hurts, and the restriction in mobility annoys you, and being sad about it is also completely normal. I then whine a bit about myself. I feel sorry for myself.

The next day I was not in a good mood, grumpy. In the German word for „grumpy“ („unleidlich“) the word „pain“ („Leid“) comes in. That went on for two or three days. Of course, clarifications with the doctor followed; the back was x-rayed again, and yes, some of the lower lumbar vertebrae were also somewhat dented. But then it was decided together to increase the painkillers („I am still at a low level“), and to continue to exercise patience until the therapy takes effect and later the body stabilizes the bones again by itself.

During that time, our oldest son and his wife were also with us for a few days of vacation. How much should I tell them when they asked me how I was doing? After all, I didn’t want to put an unnecessary load on them. Maybe I also had to change something in my inner attitude? Of course, they honestly wanted to sympathize and comfort and encourage me. But that’s also an interesting question: How much should I really tell about the details of my illness and its effects; what is really important? Maybe it’s much better to talk honestly about the experiences of the soul rather than the physical details of treatments, symptoms and therapies.

Yes, one of the next days I had to consciously say to myself in the morning, „No, you are in pain and suffering, but still you can’t forget the good. Yes, these circumstances are not nice, but I don’t want them to define me. God has given me the freedom to decide: Do I want to concentrate on the negative things (and complain), or do I want to rejoice in God in spite of the circumstances and thank him?“ 

And so I shouted to myself the words from Psalm 103: „Praise the Lord!, my soul! And do not forget what good he has done for you!“ It had already gotten better with the pain, and it was also getting brighter inside me, and I could go into the day with a completely different attitude. That’s when I notice again what a difference that makes in my behavior as well, for example, toward my wife.

That day I treated and reacted to her more lovingly than in the days before. Yes, she is right with what she wrote above 🙂 . I am very „objective“ there!

Last Sunday I could only attend the Sunday church service online from home, because I had not enough strength to participate physically. This made me quite sad. Two days before, Dietlind had to drive by herself to Stuttgart to attend the funeral of her mother. It would have been unrealistic for me to expect that I could stand such a day, while a was at the end of the 3rd chemo-cycle. Also there, my head had to accept the reality of my weak body. I am thankful that it went well for Dietlind, and that this last goodbye from her mother was not too difficult for her; she came home thankfully, as the whole ceremony had been quite dignified and she had been glad to meet the family.

This past therapy-free week, there was another pretty bad day, literally. Not sure what triggered it – but I threw up violently twice. Possibly it was the water-draining tablets, which I stopped taking afterwards. At the same time, I had taken a strong dose of painkillers in the morning because of the back pain, which left me pretty dizzy and powerless. That was a really bad day. After that, I felt much better and was able to sleep very restfully and long the last few nights, and now feel stronger for the next and, for now, last round of chemotherapy.

If you want, you are welcome to continue praying for us, for Dietlind and me, specifically for the following reasons to thank and requests:

• Thanks for the improvement of the back pain!
• Thanks, that I could attend the whole church service today.
• Pray for a good course of the 4th cycle of chemotherapy.
• Pray for further improvement of the blood values and effectiveness of the therapy.
• Pray for an early appointment for the bone marrow transplant, as soon as possible after the chemotherapy.

Especially encouraging for us is the exchange (of visits and phone calls) with a couple who are friends and believers, not living far from us. He got the same diagnosis as I a few years ago, and went through similar and often more difficult situations. That is why we mutually understand each other when talking about our experiences, but beyond that it is so great that we can talk about topics from the Bible and pray together.

And we received again many encouraging messages, greetings, flowers, songs and cards, for which we thank you really from the bottom of our heart. Even if we forget to respond everyone please be assured that we have appreciated it as sign of your sympathy and love!

Thank you so much!
Andreas